Applebees Is Apparently Trying To Kill Everyone By Offering $1 Long Island Iced Teas For The Rest Of The Year

People- It’s time to empty those piggy banks—Applebee’s is gifting us all with another insanely cheap drink special. When the chain announced dollar margaritas back in October, the people were hyped. Now, through the entire month of December, customers can scramble to participating locations and load up on Long Island Iced Teas for $1 a piece. The $1 Long Island Iced tea—or, as they’re calling them, L.I.T.s.—are a mix of vodka, rum, gin, tequila, triple sec, and sweet & sour mix, with a splash of cola. That’s a whopping 1.5 ounces of hard alcohol per drink— so proceed with caution. (It’s apparent the chain wants no confusion about whether there’s enough booze after one bartender claimed their Dollaritas were mostly water.)

”The Dollar drink is back at Applebee’s just in time for the holidays, and this time, folks can enjoy a $1 Long Island Iced Tea,” Patrick Kirk, vice president of beverage innovation at Applebee’s, said in a press release. “The Dollar L.I.T. is kind to your pocket book and a great drink to share with old friends and new ones this holiday season.”

Respect. Respect to Applebees for this. You know what I miss most about college? Other than the complete and utter lack of responsibility? I miss pulling $20 outta the ATM and being able to get completely obliterated off that $20. Dollar you call until your goddamn face falls off and you forget your own name. It is what dreams are made of. I live in New York City now and $20 maybe gets you a beer and a half. Probably not even that. So I love this move from Applebees. Nothing puts asses in the seats quite lie, “Come to our establishment and get pants-pissing drunk for cheap.” $1 Long Island Iced Teas is gonna put asses in the seats bodies on the floor. No doubt about it.

I’d also like to take this opportunity to defend chain restaurants. People shit all over places like Applebees and Olive Garden but there’s a reason there’s a billion of them. They’re tried and true. There’s comfort in familiarity. And the food is great. Coastal elites will join the herd and plug their noses in disgust but real people with real opinions know there’s nothing quite like stuffing your face for a low price. And now pour $1 Long Island Ice Teas on top of all that? That sounds like heaven on Earth.